Waffles make excellent pill organizers
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*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
“What movie?” 🤔
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.