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– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods