He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me