Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Reporter: *ports again*
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.