[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
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OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?