The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is