‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
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*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
who named him groot and not spruce lee
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down