Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
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It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
The pasta is now
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.