When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
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North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.