Awesome parenting 😂
You Might Also Like
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]