the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
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Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.