The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
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My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair