I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
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Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.