Husband of the year 😂
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Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.