*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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those birds must be on payroll
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you