[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
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Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
San Francisco has too many rules
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.