My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
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[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…