The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
You Might Also Like
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
kids play hide and seek like
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.