Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
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“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters