How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.