Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
You got this…
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.