TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
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whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*