For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
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Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.