I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
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Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud