Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
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These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
U talkin 2 me?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.