I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Finally a use for spoilers…
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…