When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
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PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets