Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
best review i’ve ever seen
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Received some very disappointing news today
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Found the job I’m suited for
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.