Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
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[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
i actually laughed 😩
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Did my cat write this
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?