my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
This is a true ally.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce