Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
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If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.