Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.