Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
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I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
This could be us but you eatin’
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?