You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
You Might Also Like
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.