Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF