I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
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Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.