You Might Also Like
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.