Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
You Might Also Like
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I bet
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.