Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
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[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”