RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
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[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Haha good job!!
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”