A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
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*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems