Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
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Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I like long walks away from everyone
The Wolf of Wall Street.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.