ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
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How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo