guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
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The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations