Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
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Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.