*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
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Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything