The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
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On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.