My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
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Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I support this random dude and all his protests
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.