After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
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CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously