Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
my name if I was in the mob
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.